I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Randomize
