I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
