I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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