**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
