Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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