I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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