Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
