I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
