you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
