Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
