My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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