Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
