So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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