Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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