you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
