So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
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Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
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I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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