Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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