I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
the night ended with taco bell and tears
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
