New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
