it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
