I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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