Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize