my phone needs a breathalizer
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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