so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
