paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
