Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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