I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
