he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
