i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
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