he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
