What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
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And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
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You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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