i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
