I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
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