just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
