i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
