The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
