The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Randomize
