Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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