Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
