just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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