mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
