I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
