my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
