were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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