You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
