If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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