...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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