Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
