i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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