I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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