Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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