Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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