no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Randomize
