Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
