I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
