Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm jealous of your bromance
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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