Too much gin, very little bucket
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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