I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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